Dialogue — theinventory

The major selling point of both Poker Night at the Inventory and its sequel is the character interaction and dialogue. According to Telltale Games, each game has more dialogue than a standard Sam and Max episode. Due to the sheer amount of lines it is divided up into these articles:

Poker Night 1

Max's Dialogue

Strong Bad's Dialogue

Heavy's Dialogue

Tycho's Dialogue

Dialogue Between all Characters

Strong Bad: Alright pretend killer man, tell me the most awesome story you have with plenty of super-cool senseless violence.
Heavy: When I was boy, I was at camp, being trained in many ways of combat.
Max: Assassination camp for kids! Oh, this is going to be good!
Heavy: There was sparrow sitting on fence. Snow falls quietly around me. Without notice, another boy jumps from behind tree and kills sparrow with throwing knife. {Looks sad} The boy runs away.
Max: {enthusiastically} And then...?
Heavy: I pick up sparrow and hear his last breath before digging him tiny grave.
{Tycho breaks down sobbing, Max and Strong Bad look depressed}
Strong Bad: That's not even a little bit funny, man.
Heavy: No. {shakes head} It's not.

Heavy: I am reminded of time Engineer kill my entire team.
Tycho: Damn, Heavy, that's, uh... heavy. I'm sorry to hear that.
Heavy: I search entire base for him. He tries to kill me with turret and mini-turret , but I crush his toys like they are made of paper.
Strong Bad: Sounds like-a some crappy toys, if you ask me.
Heavy: Then I find him, hiding by teleporter . I take his gun away from him. He tries to hit me with wrench ! Hahaha! So I take wrench away from him. I take his wrench and shove it down his throat. All the way down to the handle.
Tycho: Christ!
Heavy: Hahaha! Then I rip off all his fingers, one by one! Let's see you build toys now! Hahaha! There is blood everywhere! And he is crying! Hahahahaha! I think he cries out for mother, but... but... hahaha, the wrench is stuck in his throat! Ha, and it sounds like (Heavy makes choking noises) Hahahaha! Is this not the funniest thing?
(Max has a shocked face (if Max was already eliminated before the conversions starts, you will instead see Flint Paper at the bar looking on in disappointment), while Tycho looks disappointed and shakes his head slowly)
Strong Bad: That is some (beep)ed up (beep), man!

Tycho: How'd you guys hear about The Inventory?
Max: Sam heard about it when we were on a case out west, and I'll loiter just about anywhere that will pour me a drink with no questions asked.
Heavy: My engineering friend brought me one night.
Strong Bad: The only good thing I got out of those Telltales was a recommendation for a decent hangout.

Heavy: Tiny Heavy, who is your favorite to kill in war?
Strong Bad: Hmm, in WAR? Probably those Green Helmets. You know, the guys who don't have any cool weapons or gimmicks, and come in a discount three-pack.
Heavy: To kill spy is glorious thing! How about you, Max? You are killing type.
Max: My favorite enemy? {gasps} That's like asking me to choose between my children!
Heavy: {laughs heartily} You crack me up, little bunny!
Tycho: How about me? I've got favorite enemies.
Max: Hahaha, you!
Heavy: Haha, that is good one!
Strong Bad: Hahaha, you're a moron!
Note: The three of them laugh simultaneously.
Tycho: I'll chainsaw the face of a Locust all day long. And there's always been something satisfying about stomping a Koopa Troopa.
Heavy: Does Koopa Troopa disguise himself as best friend and murder you while you sleep?
Tycho: Well, no.
Heavy: Hmph.

Winslow's Dialogue (The Dealer)

Calling Hands:

The Player has... (comes with an unused alternative)
Max has...
Strong Bad has...
The Heavy has..
Tycho has...
...a pair of twos.
...a pair of threes.
...a pair of fours.
...a pair of fives.
...a pair of sixes.
...a pair of sevens.
...a pair of eights.
...a pair of nines.
...a pair of tens.
...a pair of Jacks.
...a pair of Queens.
...a pair of Kings.
...a pair of Aces.
...two pair.
...three of a kind.
...four of a kind!
...a full house!
...a flush!
...a straight.
...a straight flush!
...ace high.
...king high.
...queen high.
...jack high.
...ten high.
...nine high.
...been eliminated from play.
The Player wins the hand.
Max wins the hand.
Strong Bad wins the hand.
The Heavy wins the hand.
Tycho wins the the hand.
The Player wins the tournament!
Max wins the tournament!
Strong Bad wins the tournament!
The Heavy wins the tournament!
Tycho wins the tournament!

Raising blinds:

The blinds are now...
...200, 400.
...300, 600.
...400, 800.
...500, 1000.
...600, 1200.
...700, 1400.
...800, 1600.
...900, 1800.
...1000, 2000.
...2000, 4000.

Other:

Tonight's stakes will be ten thousand dollars. (if the beginning dialogue is skipped)
Whoever knocks him out will receive his buy-in. (when an item is brought by a player)

Introduction transcript

Winslow: Oh, hello there! Another enthusiast, I presume? How good it is to see a fresh face here at the Inventory. I imagine you're here for the card game with the fellows downstairs? Let me lead you down there. (leads the Player down the stairs)

A first timer, hm? I'm a bit more familiar with the... eh... "benefactions" of the club.

(stops at the bottom of the stairs and turns to the player) The club was founded in 1919 in response to an early draft of the 18th Amendment. Through... back channels, it was learned that this vile piece of legislation would not only outlaw libation, but games and amusements that could also "threaten the world-renown determination and productivity of the American Workforce." (mocks a salute) Pah! Can you imagine? GAMES OUTLAWED? Nevertheless, this club has remained here in secret ever since, just in case those "in charge" get another bee in their bonnet, hm? (reaches the are below the table)

So, welcome. And enjoy yourself.

Ah, your table! (tuns to the four on the table) Ahem, gentlemen! (the four turn)

I hope there is room at the table for a fifth?

Max: Ah-ha! Fresh meat!

(At this point, one of the following scripts is chosen at random.)

Winslow: Very well. In concordance with the house rules of the Inventory, set forth by Mr. Kent upon the club's founding, any congregation of five players around a no-limit hold'em table must play for the house stakes of seventy-five dollars.
Heavy: This is not too much.
Winslow: Oh course, these stakes were set in 1910 and with inflation... hmm, let's see... eh, tonight's buy in will be ten thousand dollars.
Player: (tosses a bound stack of money onto the table)

Winslow: Perhaps our newcomer would like to set the stakes for tonight's game?
Player: (tosses a bound stack of money onto the table)
Winslow: That sounded like ten thousand dollars landing on the table, to the note.

Winslow: Tonight's stakes will be ten thousand dollars.
Strong Bad: Oh, just because you're the manager, you get to make the rules?
Winslow: Manager? Ha, no, I am not under the employ of The Inventory. I just see to it that everybody has a good time. That will be ten thousand. I hope each of you brought your billfolds.
Player: (tosses a bound stack of money onto the table)

(At this point, all the players at the table buy in, with either cash or their respective items.)

Winslow: The game will be No Limit Texas Hold'em. I will periodically raise the blinds. May the best player win!

(Sometimes, after saying the name of the game, Winslow will add, "Not to be confused with Bahamian Stud or Albequrque High-Low.")

Poker Night 2

Brock's Dialogue

Claptrap's Dialogue

Ash's Dialogue

Sam's Dialogue

GLaDOS' Dialogue

Location Specific Dialogue

Continuing Stories' Dialogue

Dialogue Between All Characters

GLaDOS: (phone ringing) Excuse me. I have to take this. Something or someone appears to be exploding back at the lab. (shuts herself down in place)
Sam: Y'know, I've met a lot of robots, but I don't think I've ever come across one with transdimensional cell-phone coverage.
Brock: Yeah, well that's the least of robot girl's secrets.
Claptrap: We're not talking "Crying Games" secrets, are we?
...or exclusively during/after Claptrap and GLaDOS' Brief Dating Days...
Claptrap: Is this about her D-RAM fetish? Cause I'm totally cool with that.
Either way, the conversation continues as follows.
Brock: Not even close. Way I hear it, when GLaDOS was plugged in, she went cuckoo bananas and wiped out the scientists that created her.
Sam: You'd be amazed how many robots do that.
Brock: Now she haunts the lifeless labs of Aperture Science, performing inhuman experiments on anyone unlucky enough to fall into her mechanical clutches.
Claptrap: That. Is. So. Hot.
...or exclusively during the aforementioned Continuing Story...
Claptrap: What can I say? My boo loves her science!
...or exclusively after the Story...
Claptrap: But her cruelest experiment was on my heart.
Either way, the conversation continues as follows.
GLaDOS: (turns back on) False alarm, everyone. The explosions turned out to be implosions, which are much easier to contain. Did I miss anything?
Sam: Nope.
Ash: Nada.
Claptrap: Uh-uh.
Brock: No.
GLaDOS: I'm detecting an alarming level of chronoton emissions in the general vicinity. Are any of you time travelers?
Claptrap: I think I'm from the future, does that count?
Brock: I put Edgar Allan Poe in a headlock one time. That was pretty cool.
Ash: I kind of fell into the 14th century once, but that was totally not my fault!
Sam: Time travel, time travel, let me see...Well, Max and I went back to ancient Egypt, visited our teenage selves, quizzed our ancient creaky selves, mind-melded with our great grandfathers...
Max: Accidentally created a pair of temporal clones.
Sam: Fought a trio of time-traveling mariachis, and, oh yeah, messed around with the beginning of time once or twice. Does that count?
GLaDOS: Congratulations. You're a universe-imperiling paradox in dog's clothing. Commencing chronoton sterilization now.
(a bright light starts glowing under Sam)
Sam: Ooh, tingly. Wait, did you say "sterilization?"
GLaDOS: Chronotons eliminated. Continuity restored to 78 percent plausibility.
Sam: I like those odds!
Sam: Okay, quick topic - words to live by. Go!
Brock: Life is short and sadistic, so make love to it like a one-eyed double agent.
Claptrap: Always run in the opposite direction of loud noises.
GLaDOS: There's always time for more science.
Ash: Never go ANYWHERE without written instructions. What about you?
Sam: Mine was "Try not to be a jerk," but I'm really liking that thing about the sadistic midgets.
Ash: Twenty-Five years with the same partner, Impressive.
Claptrap: Tell me about it! Most of my relationships are over before the video ends.
GLaDOS: Excuse me?
Ash: So how have you and Max keept it together all this time?
Sam: You'd be amazed at how easy it is to keep your relationship intact when your partner has the long-term memory of a brain-damaged sardine.
Max: Hey, Sam, nice tie. Is it new?
Sam: You crack me up, little buddy!

Introduction Transcript

Skun'ka-pe: Good luck, hu-man.
The Player gets out of the limo and heads into the Inventory. Instead of theelevator, The Player passes through the door, which turns out to be much thicker than it looks. As The Player heads through the halls, one of the Save Lot Bandits from The Walking Dead is tossed through a door. Brock Samson walks out of that same door.
Brock: Good game. (places a cigarette in his mouth) Let's do it again sometime. (lights a match on the bandit's cap, lights his cigarette)
As Brock is lighting up, the words "Brock: The Venture Bros." show up to the left of him. He turns to the Player.
Brock: Oh hey, it's you. ...Alright. C'mon, I'll lead you in.
The Player follows him.
Brock: Name's Samson. Brock Samson.
They find a door.
Brock: Friggin' place is like a maze...
He tries to open the door, but it turns out to be much bigger than it looks; the entire wall is the rest of the door. He pushes it, revealing the area into which the Player entered the first game. Winslow is standing in front of the elevator, which has a sign reading "Out of Order". He turns around and sees the two walking in.
Winslow: Ah, Mr. Samson! I lost track of you for a moment. (gasp) And you've brought the Player! Splendid! (heads downstairs) On behalf of everyone at the Inventory, I cannot BEGIN to express our unbridled elation to see you return for another night of high-stakes poker!
Brock: Yeah, uh, speaking of high stakes, things may have gotten...stabby...over at the mumbly-peg room.
Winslow: (annoyed) Mr. Samson! I once again remind you that the Inventory is NOT your personal abbatoire!
Brock: Yeah, yeah, send the cleaning bill to Venture Industries.
Winslow: (muttering) That's what you said the last time...
The three stop at the bar, which is currently being run by Mad Moxxi. Winslow takes a waiting martini glass and takes a sip.
Winslow: As always, I am Commodore Reginald van Winslow, retired, and I will be your host on tonight's perilous voyage on the seas of chance!
As Winslow speaks, Brock requests a box of cigarettes from Moxxi.
Brock: Hey, sweet cheeks. How 'bout some smokes? (Moxxi retrieves a box; Brock takes it) Thanks, babe.
Once Winslow is done talking, banjo music is heard. Turning around, the Player sees Sam leaning in a chair with his feet on the poker table, and he's strumming on the instrument. To the right of him, the words "Sam: Sam & Max" show up.
Sam: Hey, Reggie, these new chairs are great! It's like my kiester is being held aloft by the wings of tiny velvet angels!
Just then, Max slides down the railing of the stairway and begins jumping on the Player's chair.
Max: Let me try, Sam!
Winslow: I'm afraid there's no room at the table for your plus one, Sam.
Max stops jumping.
Sam: That's okay; Max'll make his own fun.
Max: (aims his luger into the air) Come out with your arms akimbo, Mendoza! (fires)
Brock: So when do we get this clambake on the road?
Winslow: In a few minutes. We're still waiting for--
Steve: Heyo!
The Player turns to the stage, where the previous game was played. Standing on it are Steve and Claptrap.
Claptrap: Hello, future losers!
Winslow: ...our remaining contestants.
Claptrap hops off of the stage and heads toward the bar.
Claptrap: But seriously, whose HDMI port do I have to kiss to get a drink around here?
Moxxi is unimpressed. As Claptrap's looking at her, the words "Claptrap: Borderlands" show up to the left of him. He soon gives up and heads to the poker table. Max has taken a seat elsewhere, and the Player sits down.
Claptrap: Ooh! I really love what you've done with the place! Very, uh, "Boardwalk Empire" meets "Silence of the Lambs". (takes his seat at the table)
Winslow: As I was saying your seat of--*
Claptrap: Can we get going? Steve and I have a tee time at Spyglass.
Winslow: (sigh) I suppose we should. I'd hoped our final contestant would be here by now, but it appears that we'll be one short tonight.
Just then, loud, room-shaking footsteps are heard. Everyone looks around in confusion. They look up at a window, which first cracks, then shatters when someone is tossed through. That someone, Ash Williams, stands up and takes his seat at the table as though nothing happened.
Ash: Deal me in.
Spotting a martini glass sitting nearby, he takes it with his metal hand and tries to drink from it, only for it to shatter in his literally iron grip. Ash winces. To the left of him, the words "Ash: Army of Darkness" appear. Meanwhile, he sheepishly dusts the shards off of the table.
After that, the players buy in with $20,000.
Winslow: Everything seems to be in order. The chips are stacked, the deck is shuffled... Let the tournament BEGIN!
If this is the first time you play the game, the following conversation takes place:
Winslow: Gentlemen, I leave you to the tender mercies of...GLaDOS.
GLaDOS: (descends from the ceiling) Good evening.
Everyone jumps.
Sam: Great fountains of Wayne!
Ash: What the hell!?
Brock: What in the...?
Claptrap: Hubba hubba!
GLaDOS: This completes the first test of the contestants' poker faces. The bad news is you all failed miserably. The good news is you appear to be evenly matched. (ascends)
*(According to the game files and subtitles, what Winslow was going to say was, "your seat of honor has been re-stuffed to accommodate your...generous undercarriage.")

Introducing the Bounty Challenge System

Winslow: Welcome back, poker enthusiast. While you were away, our engineers completed construction of the Inventory's brand-new Bounty Challenge Randomizer!
The Bounty Challenge Randomizer pops up and cycles through three possible criteria before stopping.
Winslow: Splendid! Now the onus is on you. Simply complete these three simple tasks, and an opportunity to compete for a magnificent treasure will avail itself.

Introducing the Order Drinks Tab

Winslow: (as all the players are sitting down) Back for another round of high-stakes excitement, eh? Splendid! And just in time for a momentous announcement as well!
Sam: (smiles) You finally replaced the urinal cakes!
Winslow: Yes! And we've renewed our liquor license!
The screen darkens and the Order Drinks sheet appears onscreen.
Claptrap: Alright!
The Order Drinks sheet disappears, and the screen returns to normal lighting.
Winslow: Libations may be purchased with the Inventory Tokens you've acquired. (whispering to the Player) Be warned that the Inventory will not be held responsible for the deleterious effects that alcoholic spirits may have on your gameplay. (returns offscreen)
Ash: Dele-what?
Winslow: And with that disclaimer out of the way, ON WITH THE TOURNAMENT!
Winslow will then use one of the buy-in quotes below.

Introductory dialogues

Introductory phrases from Winslow:

Ready for more, I see.
Game for another tournament? Excellent!
If you'll all take your seats, we can get started.
I've been keeping your seat warm while you've been away.
Ready to try your luck again?
Well, well, look who's back! Please, have a seat!
Welcome aboard!
Now that you're here, the games can begin!
You're here! We were about to send out a search party! (presumably plays if you stopped in the middle of a tournament and took a long time to play the game again)
Welcome back, honored Player!

Winslow asking for the buy-in:

This one plays at the start of the fourth tournament.
Winslow: I assume that everyone has brought the requisite $20,000 buy-in for tonight's tournament?
Everyone buys in except Sam.
Sam: Didn't the buy-in used to be $10,000?
Winslow: It was-- (Sam buys in) --but the owner theorized that upping the stakes would bring in...a better class of competitors.
Claptrap: Okay... That explains how you snagged a bunch of multimedia mega-stars like yours truly, but what about (looks at the Player) Captain Lame-o over there?
Winslow: It's only a theory.
Tonight's tournaments have a twenty thousand dollar buy-in.
As always, the tournament buy-in is twenty thousand dollars.
If you'll all be so kind as to ante up...
The buy-in, please.

GLaDOS's introductions:

The name of the game is Texas Hold'Em.
Tonight we'll be playing Omaha Hold'Em.
Gentlemen. And Claptrap.
Let's make this quick. I have experiments to supervise.
Claptrap: Hey, where'd my money go?
GLaDOS: To a pleasant upstate farm where it has room to play with all its currency friends.
Are you ready to lose? You should be.
It's a mathematical certainty that eighty percent of you are going to lose tonight. And one hundred percent of you will eventually die. Math is fun, don't you think?

Granting Tokens

The first time:
Winslow: As a consolation prize for not completely humiliating yourself in tonight's tournament, the Owner has asked me to give you these complimentary Inventory Tokens.
Winslow: In recognition of your minimal competence, the Inventory would like you to have these Inventory Tokens.
Winslow: Please accept these Inventory Tokens for your valiant, yet ultimately futile, efforts.
Winslow: You may have not emerged triumphant, but at least you didn't lose, so here are some Inventory Tokens.

Winning a Bounty Challenge (spoken by Winslow)

The first time:
Congratulations! You have completed your first slate of Bounty Challenges! At the commencement of the next tournament, you will be given the opportunity to compete for a wondrous treasure.
And you've completed another slate of Bounty Challenges. Well played!
The Player has completed another set of Bounty Challenges.
Congratulations! You've completed another set of Bounty Challenges!
Another trio of bounty challenges completed, well done!

Randomizing a Bounty Challenge

Winslow: Before we begin in earnest, allow me to reset the Bounty Challenge Randomizer!
Winslow: I see the Bounty Challenges need resetting...
Winslow: Ah! Time for more Bounty Challenges!
Winslow: Let the Bounty Challenges be spun anew!

Bounty Challenge Opportunities

Before the Item is Placed on the Table:

The first time:
Winslow: I see you've completed your Bounty Challenges! Well done! As a reward for fulfilling the challenges, you'll be given an opportunity to win a fantastic treasure from one of our other competitors!
Winslow: And now for your Bounty Challenge opportunity...
Winslow: And now for another Bounty Challenge...

After:

Winslow: To claim the bounty, all you have to do is win the tournament!

Announcing the winner (Winslow only)

Congratulations on your first tournament victory! (the following to confirm) In addition to your significant financial winnings, management would like to reward you with these celebratory Inventory tokens!
The Player wins again!
Congratulations! You've won the tournament!
And so it has come to pass that you, The Player, have won the tournament!
In a triumph for basement-dwellers everywhere, the Player has won the tournament!
And with that final vanquishing, the Player reigns triumphant!
The Player is our winner!
Brock Samson is the winner!
Mr. Samson has emerged as the winner of the tournament!
And with that hand, Brock is the winner of the tournament!
The tournament winner is Claptrap!
In an upset of historic proportions, the winner is Claptrap!
(regretful sigh) The winner is Claptrap.
Ash wins the tournament!
After a mighty struggle, Ash Williams is the undisputed victor!
The manly Mr. Williams has emerged victorious!
Sam is the winner of the tourney!
Let the stars record that Sam has won the tournament!
Sam wins the tournament, and the hearts of millions!

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